i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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