sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize