Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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