Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
