turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
