does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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