Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
