You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
