she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
