I'm eating all of the evidence.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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