I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
