if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
