I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
