It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
