her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize