When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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