She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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