I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
