She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize