my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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