did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
