The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
