ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize