I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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