ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
