i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
