guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
