speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize