i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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