i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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