i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
