I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
