guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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