Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
