Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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