Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
