I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I think your dad took our porno
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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