i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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