Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
