I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
