You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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