dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
