she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
