ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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