This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
