I checked into jail on foursquare
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
