I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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