Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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