Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My feet surprised me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
