He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
