I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
