can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize