well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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