i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
