The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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