I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
