my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
