There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
