I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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