She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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